What is the next Chapter

Taken in Lake Tahoe during a 2 day hike.

We are approaching the end of yet another month, We are now moving on to the second half of 2011. I look back, which I have been doing more and more lately, and wonder if I made the right turn. If I did indeed take the right path in life.

I can't complain, I have my health, a good job and live comfortably. I can't help to think that there has to be more. There is a sense of un-fulfillment currently in my life. A dissatisfaction with everything. There is a certain void. Of course, having been out of a 2.5 year relationship doesn't help either. I won't discuss that right here, since I am still feeling resentful and completely discourage.

I am going to talk about a subject that I really dont like to talk about. I never felt comfortable talking about dating. Since it is a personal thing and people tend to take what I say the wrong way. People naturally tend to judge others. Even when we say we dont, we still do.

Dating has become boring for me. It is not as exciting anymore. Maybe your saying, you have not found the right person yet. Well that could be true. I wonder if I should be dating, or if I am better of just being single for the rest of my life. Is it selfish to want to be alone?

I guess in a way, I miss having someone to love and be loved. It is what all humans crave for. It is part of who we are. We are in constant search for that partner that completes us. I dont know what is going to happen in the next 6 months. A lot could happen.

One thing is for sure, I am not going to wait. If it happens it happens. I move forward with whatever plans I have and if that special someone happens to come along then, Great, I will have someone to share it with.

Now, being single again, leaves me a bit on the edge. I don't know how to even start. Do I want to start again? I guess what it is is that I know I will have to get to know someone new and that person will have to get to know me. The cycle repeats again. Here we go... this could take weeks and months. I dont think I no longer have patience for this.

I might sound cynical about this whole dating thing.. but if you knew what I have gone through you would totally understand. It is the process of dating that I dont like. Unfortunately it has to be done that way. I am a super hypersensitive person with a lot of emotions in me. I wear my feeling on my sleeves. Most guys are not like that so I am cursed in that way. I care too much and I dont want to care. I dont want to feel. I am at the age that I am to old to be playing these dating games. It brings to mind the Peacocks, trying to impress their prospects with an array of beautiful feathers. The most beautiful one, wins the heart of their mate.

So, I ask myself at this time. What is in store for me in the next couple of months. I need something that can get me going. Not only in relationship but in everything else. I am planning to run an ultra in September and I am hoping that this would kick my butt. I am so hungry for adventure and a challenge. But at the same time, I am also starving for some kind of love. Real love.. not the pretend I need you love. I am tired of that kind of love. The being used and abuse type of love.

Enough said and enough of my ranting. I move one and I dont look back. That is all I can do for now.

Cheers